The Secret to Happiness

Ahhh the secret to happiness!! Well if you are reading this essay for the answer, I hate to break it to you but I have not completely figured it out yet. But the good news is that I am getting closer to unlocking this mystery, much closer than I have ever been.

I can remember being obsessed with this search for happiness from a young age. I would look around me and ask myself why it is that people suffer, and why is it that I suffer. I wanted to figure out how to be truly happy in this life so that I could also help others figure it out too. For me, there was not other quest or mission more important than this one.

Now, I guess it comes to no surprise that I was obsessed with this question because happiness always felt so difficult for me. So out of reach really. I would taste moments of it, here and there, but it would go away so fast and I would be right back where I started, wondering why I could not just be happy like others seemed to be. Why could it not be easy? What was wrong with me?

I would look outside of myself, for family, friends, the cute boyfriend, the loving pet, to bring my happiness. Or how about the perfect outfit, the great lipstick, the straight hair (damn you curly hair!). If I could just get all the conditions right, meet all those boxes, maybe then I could finally be happy. I suppose this must sound very familiar to most people, as I have come to realize that happiness does not come easy for most of us.

Well here I am, at 30-year-old woman, and I can tell you that I definitely do not have all those boxes checked (unfortunately Ryan Gosling has not proposed to me...yet….and having a flat/toned stomach does not seem in the cards for me). And not only do I not have all the boxes checked but my daily life really is not what I imagined it would be at my age. But you know what? Maybe life is perfectly what it needs to be right now so that I can truly dig deep into this question. Maybe these conditions are perfect…because how could I truly figure out the secret to contentment if my life was perfect. As Caroline Myss says, gratitude when your belly is full is not gratitude.  

And so, ehem, after 30 years of soul-searching and a very emotional past year of love, heartbreak, connection, loss, flying and breaking, here is what I figured out so far when it comes to contentment:

Drum roll please!!! Contentment, everyday, is a choice. It is choosing to be disengage from negative thought patterns (try going a day in my mind – I dare you ), it is choosing to be grateful for what you have, to see the beauty in the littlest things, to realize that you will eventually die and that those around you will too…that there is not other moment than now to be the best version of you. It is to make this choice, every morning when you wake up, even if streams are running down your face, even if you feel fragile and weak. It is to decide to disengage from that voice inside of you that tells that you are not capable. It is to refuse to give others the power to determine your worth even when you struggle to feel worthy everyday. It is to realize that you are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, so you better become your own best friend or else this life is going to feel very long. It is to fight for this everyday, and then to miserably fail some days, so that you can pick yourself back up and try again.

Because, really, what other choice do you have?

And this leads me to my last very important discovery when it comes to finding happiness, which is that happiness is about TRUST. Trusting that life is inherently good, that there is no way you can have all the answers, that there is beauty in this mystery. It is surrendering to that place inside you that knows that somehow, someway everything will be ok. Can you feel that? Try looking at the sunrise or the stars…or the into the eyes of a loved one. How could you not?

And so this essay is for those who struggle like me, to find happiness everyday. You brave, beautiful, warriors. I am with you. Let’s keep fighting.

"I don’t know how to speak

Without sadness in my voice

I don’t know if it has always been there

or if I found it

like a treasure hidden under a rose bush

I try and hide it

and speak with confidence and lightning

but I can hear it tremble and shake

as though each word is an earthquake

my life isn’t sad

but my heart always is

to tell you the truth

I think I was born with it

and that maybe

this sadness is a gift"

Gemma Troy