Being single in your early 30s - The psychological challenges!

Being 31 and a single woman is a funny feeling. One that I never really thought I would experience because I just assumed that I would be in a stable relationship by now, as most women do I suppose.

Well, here I am, 31 and single for a little over two and half years now and, I have to say, it has been quite an experience. And one I thought would be worth sharing, for the other single women out there who might be feeling the same way I am. Because, despite what I may tell myself on my less enlightened days, I know I am not alone. And that there are some badass, amazing single women out there in their 30s and over.

Let me first start off by saying that I definitely WANT to be in a relationship and find singlehood difficult. This is actually very difficult for me to admit, as I have this distorted feminist side that feels like it is somehow a weakness to reveal this. That I should somehow be ashamed of this as it may mean that I am not independent or strong enough to be happy on my own. But, thankfully, I have an awesome therapist who worked on that side with me and called it out on its bullshit (wait am I allowed to say bullshit here?...whatever I am going for it!).

So, anyways, yes, I would love to meet someone and have a life partner. And the truth is, I do feel happier when I am in a healthy relationship (healthy being a key word here). I am what you would call in scientific terms a CUDDLE MONSTER, which basically means that I need to receive and give cuddles to survive this world. This isn’t a joke. I actually don’t know how I’ve been surviving this long – PLEASE SEND REINFORCEMENTS (preferably a gorgeous man who looks like Ryan Gosling)!!

However, despite this strong desire to meet someone, and the loneliness that I feel regularly when it comes to my singlehood, I did also notice how society’s expectations have affected me quite negatively this past year. It’s almost as if I experience some kind of shame at admitting that I am single in my 30s, a shame that I don’t actually buy into, but that somehow has been conditioned into me (it could also be due to my Jewish heritage or to the fact that most of my friends are in a relationship).

I have also noticed how some people seem to give me a look of pity when they learn that I am single or when they ask about my most recent failed dating attempts. It’s like their eyes are somehow saying ''there there…poor you…it must be so hard'' or, worse, sometimes I get the feeling that people think there must be something wrong with me for being single at my age. I actually have asked around about this last point and have gotten some confirmation that some people do think this way. Now obviously, these are all generalizations and I know that this is not what everyone thinks or what the people I’m closest to think of me. But it has somehow become a psychological reality I have to face in my life.

And so, well, I guess the reason I am writing this is because this last part makes me angry. It makes me angry that others may think that there is something wrong with a woman who is single in her 30s. That she is somehow flawed in some way, weird, that there must be a reason she hasn’t found someone. That she should be viewed with pity. It also makes me mad that I, myself, harbor such conditioned thoughts; thoughts I don’t ultimately believe in and that I feel are not authentically me.

I also get angry when society seems to imply that woman cannot be complete or fulfilled without a man – yes I really want to be in a relationship and tend to be happier with a partner, but how much of that is also conditioned by my expectations that I will be happier when I meet someone? Also, despite the absence of a partner, I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for about my life. There is so much fullness in my life when I choose to pay attention to it, as opposed to paying attention to what’s lacking (a.k.a., Ryan Gosling – seriously can someone give him my number?!).

And so, since these past couple of years have been all about breaking barriers in my life, and breaking the mold, I guess I am writing this to set the record straight. With others, but more so with myself. I am giving myself permission to keep being me, even if that is different, and to have faith that life is leading me where I need to go. Because what other choice do I have? To be miserable because something that I perceive as ‘big’ is lacking in my life. Something will always be lacking, that is the nature of life isn’t it?

And since I intend to be happy in this life, I need to take that responsibility in my hands and let go of what doesn’t serve me. Whether it is society’s expectations, my own internalized expectations, or whatever else doesn’t fit with how my life is right now and what I have control over. 

And I hope that whoever is reading this can apply this to their own life too - when it comes to their own feelings of lack or of being different or of being judged somehow. Just let go of the 'shoulds' and give yourself the permission to be perfectly OK with what you have and where you are at. 

If we cultivate this attitude, as hard as it may be, it is sure to be a happy new year indeed :)