Dating is not all fun and games

I have been feeling a pull to write on this topic for a long time now but have been procrastinating on it because it is such a vulnerable share. However, I know that the person I want to be is one who is brave in sharing their vulnerability as this kind of sharing tends to bring people together and to break the cycle of loneliness that is so pervasive in our society today. My hope is that at least one person can find comfort in knowing they are not alone when reading about my dating experiences.

Firstly, I want to preface by saying that there are many great men out there, just as there are many great women. While I will be sharing some negative dating experiences, I in no way believe that this is a reflection of men in general. Truth is, it is just hard to find someone who you are truly compatible with, no matter the gender. I think that is the real struggle, at least it has been for me.

So, let’s start with the beginning. I was 29, just got out of a 3 year and a half relationship, and was looking forward to staying single for a bit, as I had been in steady relationships throughout my late teens and twenties. I started off dabbling in dating sites for the fun of it, to gain my confidence back, to get comfortable meeting and talking to men I didn’t know, and to grow from the process; which I did. The first 2 years of online dating were fun, and I could see myself truly evolving as a person and as a woman from these experiences. I even experienced a significant heartbreak during these 2 years, but saw it as a positive as it helped me identify some habits I may have been unaware of when it came to the men I was attracted to.

However, my dating experiences during the following 3 years have brought their fair share of wounding, and ones that I could not have predicted.

Let’s backtrack a bit. It’s important for the reader to first have some background into the type of person I used to be. You see, I used to wear my heart on my sleeve. I tended to be a very open and generally trusting person, and also very affectionate – whether it be verbally or physically. I would let people into my ‘inner life’ quite fast, wanting them to get to know me, as I also craved to get to know them on a deep level.

I really couldn’t have predicted how much my years of dating would change this.

Indeed, I have changed a lot and in ways I am not too happy about. I have become much more guarded with men, and I wonder sometimes if I may not appear as cold. I have become the kind of person who is ‘difficult to get to know’ and probably ambivalent in the messages they send out. I have become rapidly avoidant when something bothers me, not looking to communicate about it as I have lost faith that I would even be validated or understood in doing so. I have become weary and distrusting, as a way to protect myself. Unfortunately, these new coping mechanisms had also led me to hurt and be disrespectful towards some men that definitely did not deserve it.

So, what led to these changes you may ask? Well, dating can be somewhat traumatic in my experience. And nobody really talks about is. Besides the ghosting, the being stood up, and the dates where I barely had space to talk or let alone be seen, I have also been pressured into being physical many times, much earlier than I was ready to.

Indeed, the world of dating these days is very fast-paced. There is almost this unwritten rule or expectation that sex should happen by the 3^rd date, which is a problem when you are a person who likes to build a true emotional connection before getting physical. I have been made to feel guilty for refusing sex after a few dates, with comments such as ‘you need to loosen up’, ‘don’t friend zone me’, ‘how long do you plan on waiting?’. I have been yelled at by a man for giving him, and I quote, ‘blue balls’, as I was making out with him but refused to go further than that. I have been wined and dined, and then expected to ‘put out’ as result. I have told men explicitly that I like to take things slowly physically, and that I have not felt respected in those wishes in the past, only to then have these men try to kiss me on the first date and then look baffled as I refused their advances. I have often felt like an object to be acquired, and not a person to be seen.

I also feel like dating applications, although advantageous, have also severely messed us up. They have created a shopping experience based on looks and first impressions, and have hindered our capacity for true connection, vulnerability, and commitment.

These experiences have hardened me. They have left me feeling like the odd woman out, hopeless, and even less likely to ‘loosen up’ as I’ve been so sensitively told.

I have created an armor around me to not let men in. And it has worked; unfortunately, too well. I meet a guy that may be of interest to me and I become physically stiff. Sure, I might use humour to deflect, and I might smile or appear slightly shy. But inside, I think I just feel fear.

I am not sure how to go about working on this. I, in theory, know what I have to do (face your fears, and all that jazz), but I am honestly not sure if I am capable of that at this point in my life. Despite the void I feel, the fear response is stronger

And so, to these women out there who feel burned out by the dating world, who have been damaged by it, who see their hope dwindling by the day, I want to tell you that you are not alone.

I will not try to reassure you by telling you: ‘You will find him, it will happen’ because I find those words to be comforting attempts from people do not know how to handle the emotions you are sharing with them. I should know, as I have also used these words myself to try to reassure some of my single friends.

To those women, I instead want to say healthy romantic love may happen, and I hope it does for you just as much as I hope it does for me. But more so, I hope that you can someday find the courage to be vulnerable again, if or when you meet someone with whom it truly feels safe to open up with.

Also remember that there are other kinds of love that are no less valuable than the romantic kind: the love of family, of amazing friends, of silly pets, and of dancing the night away. There is also the love that comes with stillness; with feeling the breeze on a sunny spring day, and being fortunate enough to be alive to breathe it in. There is plenty of beauty in this world for you to experience. Find solace in that my queens.